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12

Oct

7 Ways To Be The Most Irresistible Woman At Kev’s Party

This morning, as my latest babe was in the bathroom doing whatever you ladies do in there after morning sex, I took it upon myself to snoop around her purse. I was expecting to find crumpled reciepts, lip gloss, empty Plan B packets, the usual. What I was not expecting to find was the November 2005 issue of Glamour magazine with Natalie Portman on the cover. Wow did I hit the jackpot. I confess I’ve always been secretly facinated with what was inside these lady mags, and have to make a concious effort to avoid the ailse in the grocery store which sells them lest temptation gets the best of me and I buy and/or read them there. These magazines are the key to understand women to the fullest extent, because everyone knows they follow every single piece of advice given and take everything written in them compltely seriously. I couldn’t wait to dive in and see what I could learn. 

Not knowing how long this biddy would stay in the bathroom, I decided to just open to a random page. 7 Ways To Be The Most Irresistible Woman At The Party. Hmmm, not directly about sex, but I was nonetheless interested in what Glamour had to say. After reading through the entire article, I was in shock. These tips were awful! I would never want any woman at a party to ever act like this. Whoever is writing this shit for Glamour needs to be shot and replaced by someone who actually knows what a woman has to do at a party to be deemed fuckable irrisistable. And that person is, of course, me. 

1. Glamour: Dance in your underwear at home before the party.

Kev Sez: Dance in your underwear at the party and after at Kev’s home. 

No brainer here. I don’t even know why this tip is mentioned, because the title of the article was how to be irrisistable AT THE PARTY, not how to be irrisistable at home and only to the voyeur next door. 

2. Glamour: Get yourself into an irresistible state of mind. 

Kev Sez: Get yourself into an irresistible state of mind, masturbate, film it, and bring a copy to the party. 

I don’t have as much of a problem with this one as the first. However, Glamour’s idea of irrisitible is imagining your latest great accomplishment, like a five mile run. That isn’t even that great of an accomplishment. Banging 12 dudes in one night is more like it, and thinking about that should make a girl horny, and being horny should make her either call me or masturbate and film it and then slip me the tape at the party. 

3. Glamour: Look cool, act warm.

Kev Sez: Look hot, act slutty. 

Pretty basic stuff.

4. Glamour: Instead of an opening line, try a compliment. 

Kev Sez: Skip introductions.  

Glamour is right on this one; “Nice to meet you” is boring. But so is “Nice haircut”. Why don’t you ladies try something totally different and new when meeting a guy for the first time? Try following a guy into the bathroom and springing an impromptu blow job on him. 

5. Glamour: Lose the handbag.

Kev Sez: Lose the panties.

Knowing a lady is being super naughty and airing out her naughty bits is an oldie but woodie party trick. 

6. Glamour: Talk football.

Kev Sez: Talk fantasy.

I’m not referring to the one time you begged your boyfriend to let you into his fantasy league. But I think you already knew that. 

7. Glamour: Be the only one at the party NOT drinking.

Kev Sez: The fuck? Why would you ever do this?

Ohhh boy. I have a BIG BIG problem with this one. I almost don’t even know where to begin. First of all, if your plan is to go to a party where everyone is drinking but you, save me the breath it takes to ask you “Wanna do a shot?” 7 times because I am so drunk I can’t remember that you’re not drinking and stay home. Second, save yourself the disappointment in knowing no guys are going to hit on you because you’re sober enough to say “No means NO”. 

Ladies, I don’t know how you’ve ever been successful getting guys at parties by following tips like the ones Glamour has posted. You’re probably all virgins and lying about it, which I guess isn’t that bad; I do love me some virgins. But in all seriousness, next time you’re at a party, I highly suggest following my advice. Everyone will love you, including myself, and you’ll be  guaranteed an invitation home with Kev.