Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

15

Sep

Dr. Kev will see you now

I think I am getting sick. Last week I went to the grocery store and as I was walking through the parking lot, my attention was caught by a little asian biddy wearing high heels. Never fails! Every time you go somewhere where the dress code is basically look like shit, i.e. grocery store, the gym, Rally’s at 9pm, the waiting room at the free clinic, you can bet that if there is an Asian chick there, she’s going to be wearing heels. Probably of the kitten-toe variety. Don’t get me confused—I’m not complaining. Rather marveling at the diversity of our planet.

Anyway, staring open-mouthed at this Asian was a bad idea because it allowed some mosquitoes to fly into my mouth, and try as I did to spit them out, I had to swallow. (NO HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I’m pretty sure I now have either Malaria or West Nile. Not exactly certain which one but that’s why I’m going to go through Dr. Kev’s Symptom Checker and get to the bottom of this medical mystery.

So my symptoms in the past week have been getting gradually worse, and they’ve consisted mainly of the following:

Fever

Pain when I piss

One of my balls is much bigger than the other

Right now it appears I have 1 out of 6 possible symptoms of West Nile and 0 out of 5 symptoms of Malaria. After doing some research, I have more symptoms in line with West Nile than Malaria, so we’re going to go with that one. Gotta get to a Dr before I get to the next symptom on the list, which is brain swelling. But then again maybe I already have that because my brain is pretty much located in my dick area so my ball is swelling instead. LOL. I would upload a picture of it, but I don’t want to make any of my male readers feel incompetent when they see how honky my dong is (honky means opposite of wonky + huge). Instead, I’ll leave you with a picture of me getting revenge on the mosquito who infected me! Doesn’t stand a chance against Dr. Kev: Disease-fighting Divo!

Health and hellfire,

Dr. Kev